Is there a modern mating and dating crisis?

Exploring one of the primary questions at the heart of our modern discourse.

Some people, like RedQuest, say no—or to the extent there is, it’s self-inflicted—while others, from NY legacy media to red pill orthodoxy, say yes. The truth is complicated. 

On an individual level, there is no mating/dating “crisis,” or at least there doesn’t have to be, because individuals can make lifestyle, aesthetic, and philosophical choices about mating and dating to achieve better outcomes. Choices like becoming and/or staying physically fit, staying off social media (or using it minimally), having a strong social life and a large group of friends, learning basic social skills, and choosing a career that fits with one’s life goals.

To understand why there’s a crisis on a societal level, consider the distinct differences between the mating/dating problems for men and women.

Most single women want to be in a monogamous relationship with a high status man (relative to her own social position), who she believes and/or that others believe (or could believe) is moving toward marriage. Women prefer boyfriends over fuck buddies—most women in their late teens and twenties are serial monogamists by design. Maybe they occasionally end up banging a string of bad boys or in a random threesome, but most women will consider that episode either bad luck or a fun throwaway episode that “just happened.” Women don’t struggle to get sex; they struggle to get commitment. Women have trouble finding a man who’s suitably attractive and high-value enough to turn her on sexually and fit into her social strata and lifestyle, but also willing to give her monogamous, long-term commitment. 

The basic problem for men is finding a woman who’s suitably attractive and also willing to have sex. If we can get it, men also want sexual variety and some level of personal autonomy. This doesn’t mean men don’t want relationships, but the relationship being offered has to be with a woman who’s better or “special” in some way compared to what he can ordinarily expect to get. For a lot of men, especially those living in scarcity, that’s any woman who’s sufficiently attractive and willing to have sex. However, as a guy has more options, he’s typically going to form relationships with women who offer him something of unusual value: maybe she’s especially pretty, or very feminine and sensual, cooks and cleans, etc. Again, she’s got to be “special” to him in some way–otherwise, why sacrifice his freedom and sexual variety? 

Like women, the most attractive, highest-value men don’t have a problem getting sex, but, unlike women, they don’t necessarily want or need to be in a relationship. Attractive women want to have sex with top guys, and dating apps along with social media like Instagram and Tik-Tok have created a pipeline to allow them to do it. Sex today is cheap for high-value guys: the modern, Western woman will sleep with a guy on the first date, at a party, or after a night out at the clubs, if a guy is above her looks criteria and has some game. This is great, IMO: sex is good and people should be having more of it, but it means that unlike previous generations, sex or the promise of sex is not enough to keep a guy around these days unless he's of lower value.

Women are hypergamous, wanting to sleep with the top men available to them, and hypergamy is enhanced through social media because:

• A) the individual woman’s perception of her SMV has been artificially inflated by thousands of comments and likes from simps, randos, and other low value men via social media, 

and, at the same time

• B) dating apps and social media have given her access to attractive, high-value men she would otherwise not have had access to, and at some point she’s probably slept with one or more of them, only to get dropped or ghosted later on. Nevertheless, she feels that this is the sort of man who’s in her wheelhouse to get. The problem is, this match will never be “special” for the man, meaning that he’s almost never going to commit to the long term relationship she wants.

These increased expectations on the part of modern women have occurred at a time when fewer men understand how to be men.¹ Millennial and Gen Z men are marked by higher anxiety, fewer friends, less risk taking, more time playing video games, and fewer hours working out and/or working hard than their predecessors. They’re not graduating from college at the same rate as their female peers. As a cohort, they’re less successful, less manly—and despite what you might hear from places like the NYT, women still want men who are masculine, muscular, powerful, and dominant. Millennial and Gen Z women have all kinds of problems, but unlike women, men have to be made, and right now, they aren’t, or at least not enough of them to keep up with demand.

women pickier about men  

X fewer HQ men 

_____________________

= less sex and fewer relationships

So is there a mating/dating crisis? On a societal level: yes. There aren’t enough desirable men for the number of women who would like to have monogamous relationships (read: marriage and kids). This also means opportunities for consensual non-monogamy in which a man maintains a stable of sex partners, provided he is high value and learns game. On the flipside, younger and lower value men struggle sexually, effectively priced out of the market to the point where giving up feels like the best or only option. Fewer people are having sex, in relationships, or getting married.

RedQuest likes to argue that reasonable people who have an accurate sense of their own value don’t struggle. He’s right: smart chicks find solid guys when they’re in college or shortly after, and mark their man—they pick a guy early who has winning qualities, provide him with loyalty, sex, and support, and then end up living in big houses in the suburbs and having families and careers to the extent they want them. But a large proportion of single women aren’t “reasonable”, and even for those who are but choose to forgo long-term relationships early on as they pursue their career, there’s a market squeeze on the high value men, because every woman in the market is fighting for them. It is often said that perception is reality, and the modern mating/dating conundrum is a perfect example of why that’s true. 

What’s a high quality man? To modern women, a high-value man is what she sees on TV, movies, Tik-Tok/IG, dating apps, and what our society frames as social/financial success. She often thinks:

• College degree (if not a masters)

• Home ownership

• 6’ or taller (she’ll realistically accept 5’10”)

• 6 figure salary (she’ll realistically accept 70-80K)

• Well dressed, well groomed, and well spoken 

• Loving family

• Goes on regular vacations (how else can you flex on IG?)

• Has various “cool” hobbies

• Drinks/uses drugs socially but doesn’t have a problem

• Has game/can fuck well

To nab that sort of guy, as mentioned above, it’s going to take a woman who’s particularly “special” in some way. RedQuest would note that unless she’s an 8 under 30 years old, the woman who has such expectations is unreasonable—and she is—but that’s not what she thinks, nor is it what she hears from female dating podcasts or society in general. Instead she hears things like: “you deserve the best”, “don’t settle”, “it’ll happen”, “make him work for it.”

Complicating matters further, the narrative legacy media and society have spun for the modern woman won’t allow her to do many of the things that would make her “special” to the type of man she’s wanting to meet. Orion Taraban has a great series on how women can get any man they want, and his advice is spot on. Essentially it’s about how a woman can make herself “special” to the man she desires, but when you list out what that means: being especially sexual and slutty for him, cooking/cleaning, giving him back rubs and doing nice things for him, planning dates and vacations—in general, making his life better and easier (“making herself indispensable to him”)—it cuts directly against what society and women tell each other about what they should be expected to do in a relationship. Women are getting bad romantic advice from other women.² 

For most women, the most special thing about them is their youth/beauty, and that’s ENOUGH to get a quality guy—regular sex, affection, and companionship from a woman he considers beautiful is a win for almost any man. But again, she has to be “special” for him. Dating apps essentially eliminate this possibility because women are dating 1 – 2 levels above their own SMV: the women a man typically matches with on dating apps aren’t special to him in terms of beauty. They’re “mid”, as much as I hate that term—but that’s where the term comes from and why it sparks so much disdain: dating apps and social media have created a “mid” category of woman who believes she’s far prettier than she is and entitled to a much more attractive man than the market will bring her. Women hate the term because they’d be horrified to have it applied to them; men use the term because their IG/Tik-Tok feeds are filled with 6’s who think they’re 9’s and do nothing but take pictures and videos of themselves.

Worse, when women are at the peak of their beauty—typically between 18-24—they’re often not looking to marry. They’re addicted to attention on Tik-Tok or IG or trying to play their hand at making money on OnlyFans. They’re traveling and fucking Chads. And because of a successful campaign on the part of older, washed-up women to do so, there’s an impulse to shame age gap relationships, which is extremely counterproductive. Why? Because again gap relationships represent a natural win/win for men and women: she gets an older, masculine man with some measure of power, wealth, and status; he gets a younger, feminine, beautiful woman who’s “special” to him in a way that most women nearer his age aren’t. Plus, if they want to have a family, this arrangement works well: she’s still fertile, and he has the means to take care of the kids and provide. 

As for the bros, modern men are often not up to the task. They’re not graduating from college. They’re living with their parents. They’re not learning social skills, developing a real mission in life, or taking care of themselves, whether it be fitness or grooming. They’re wasting huge portions of their lives scrolling on their phones and playing video games. The bar may seem high to garner sexual relevance with modern women—and there’s some truth to that in what’s discussed above—but the simple act of being an adult MAN is distinguishing characteristic. What’s more: despite whatever list of unreasonable demands a woman might have, if you can manage to be physically fit, well dressed, well groomed, and somewhat interesting to talk to, you can often convince her to settle for less than the fairytale checkbox her perceptions tell her to expect.

On an individual level, however, there’s no crisis. If one can manage to make some important changes in behavior and lifestyle, there are crazy advantages to be had when it comes to mating and dating.

Improving results in the sexual marketplace 

Be physically fit: For both sexes, this is by far the most effective action one can take to improve their odds in the sexual marketplace. For men it means having big muscles relative to your frame, and a body fat percentage of 15% or less. For women it means body fat of 25% or less, a flat stomach, and muscular legs/ass. If you want an easy heuristic: do you look good in a swimsuit? If so, and if you combine fitness with social skills, you’re probably not going to struggle when it comes to mating and dating.

Present/dress well: most women already do this, although for women the trap is falling into fashion trends that lead to an androgynous appearance. Short hair isn’t attractive. Square wasted mom jeans aren’t attractive. Septum piercings aren’t attractive—it makes chicks look like bulls. In other words ladies, dress and present in a way that accentuates your beauty and feminine features.

For men, it means being willing to spend some money on clothes that are stylish, fitted, and masculine. Wear some accessories. Consider tattoos. For men, the key is to show off your physique and stand out. You can read more here.

Minimal use of social media: for Millennials and Gen Z this probably feels like a joke, an impossibility, or something only a Boomer who doesn’t get it would say, but seriously reflect…how has social media made your in-person life better? Like, actually better—as in it earned you something you otherwise wouldn’t have gotten. The answer for most people is no; indeed, I’d bet all my money and investments that if we could do an audit, social media is a net-negative for 98% of the population when it comes to life satisfaction, the greater the use, the more negative. 

For women, social media leads to a misperception of one’s own attractiveness, and paradoxically, both self-doubt and the worst sort of narcissism—true self obsession with one’s own appearance, coupled with crippling insecurity in comparison to others. Another problem is that social media for women satiates their need for sexual validation and attention from men, meaning that heavy users are more likely to become apathetic when it comes to mating and dating IRL. Last: if you’re IG and Tik-Tok are full of thirst traps, it lowers your value to men—after all, why should they commit to a monogamous relationship let alone marriage with a woman who’s obsessed with getting attention from other men on social media? Trust me ladies, as a man, when you hear a chick either doesn’t have social media, or barely posts, it raises her status significantly in comparison to others. 

For men, the worst effect of social media is inaction. How is scrolling through Tik-Tok or IG helping you become a better, more effective man? A: It’s not. Additionally, posting a ton is a bad look; remember, at baseline, posting on social media is begging the world for attention. Do top guys beg for attention? No. They get it without asking because who/what they are is worthy of attention. Finally, like with women, it can lead guys to have standards that are simply too high relative to their own SMV.

Am I saying you shouldn’t do ANY social media EVER? No, but if you want to do better in the sexual marketplace, keep it under control.

Social connection and sociability: especially the ability to talk to people you don’t know well or at all. This is useful for dating of course, but it’s also one of the best ways to gain connections in your career, as well as a fantastic way to expand your social circle with people who share your interests. To the point above, this is not achieved by spending lots of time on social media! It happens when you put down the phone and talk to people.

Be smart, accomplished, and interesting: read books, learn new skills, play card/board games, have fun hobbies, develop expertise in at least one aspect of life (examples: cooking, surfing, wine/beer, SUP, etc). Have opinions, stories to tell, and other means of providing value and entertainment to the people you meet and date. In particular, I cannot stress enough how far it goes to be able to serve a well cooked and delicious meal to someone you’re dating.

Be reasonable: when I used to be more involved in the seduction arts/Red Pill community, I always found it both ironic and hilarious how bent out of shape a lot of asian/brown guys would get about racism in the dating pool—not because they were wrong: chicks can be super racist when it comes to their mate preferences. It was because when I asked what kinds of women these guys wanted to be with, they’d show me pictures of blonde 10s. Hypocritical, given how frustrated they were that asian/brown chicks often want to date white guys, but the real problem was that they were being unreasonable. Asian/brown guys can do just fine with white girls from what I’ve seen—and if that’s what you’re into, go get ‘em—but if you’re a broke, scrawny 22-year old dude who lives with his parents, spends too much time on the internet or playing video games, and has poor social skills, it doesn’t matter what race you are: you’re not going to date blonde 10s, who are essentially the most desirable women on the planet.

Realistic expectations are often met. If you’re a 24-year-old woman who’s an absolute smoke show, then sure, you’ve got a shot at the jacked surgeon who’s living in a penthouse downtown…if you're a 35-year-old single mom who’s significantly overweight, not so much. 

For men, scrolling through endless airbrushed images of super hot chicks in bikinis, or for women, matching with guys 2-3 points above your SMV on Hinge, is going to set the bar too high relative to what you can expect. Be realistic: would the sort of person you’d like to date see you as an attractive partner? If not, your aim is too high. And something the ladies especially need to hear but is true for everyone: wanting is free. Having high expectations may feel good, but it has no bearing whatsoever on getting those expectations met. Unless you can perform actual magic, you’re not going to manifest your way into a relationship with an attractive man.³

Where the sexes diverge in terms of understanding how to win in today’s dating/mating market. 

For women, it’s understanding there’s a clock. The non-gendered message society communicates to young people is—have fun and travel in your 20s, get a degree and/or a good job, climb the corporate ladder, then have a family in your 30s—works a lot better for men than it does for women. Most women aren’t going to get more attractive after 25. That doesn’t mean a woman can’t be very attractive in her 30s, 40s, etc, but youth and beauty are fleeting (they’re tied to reproduction). The best shot a woman has at landing a high value man is going to be sometime before 30, and yet many young women believe and behave otherwise. We have all the time in the world until suddenly we don’t…and by then it’s too late and there’s no going back.

For men, it’s understanding there’s a measure. Do you measure up to the other men in your cohort? There are multiple ways in which we, as men, are measured, but the point here is that however you do it, you need to put weight on the scale. This can mean looks/fitness, wealth, social status, charm (or what is commonly called game), wisdom, etc. For men, there are a lot of ways we can show our worth, but there’s no faking it: you either have what it takes to attract beautiful women, or you don’t. If you don’t, then, like women who age out of the dating pool–you’re invisible. Wallpaper, as Taraban puts it.

Most of the maladies we see in modern society are self-inflicted—that is, they are problems because people don’t think about how they behave: they behave according to human instinct, and the social, political, economic, cultural, and environmental conditions in which they find themselves. Understandable, but ultimately, not very effective. We live in a time where we’ve never had more opportunity or collective material wealth (albeit highly unequal in terms of distribution), yet many people are lonely and unhappy, and that is because they are consumers, not producers, and more importantly, because they refuse to craft a structured, intentional, and purposeful life. This is hard, but it is CRITICAL for life satisfaction and happiness. The good news is that there’s never been more freedom or tools at our disposal to do so.

Is the dating market tough? Yeah. Worse than it was for prior generations? Sure.

But it doesn’t have to be for you if you’re willing to make changes. If you want help in this regard, I’m willing to help—feel free to reach out and I’ll be in touch.

1. In large part this crisis has been created by feminism, corporate culture, social media, and legacy media, who have coined terms like “rape culture”, “toxic masculinity”, “mansplaining”, etc., and then trumpeted out stories on the above while questioning whether differences in sex/gender are real or important. Essentially, starting sometime in the 1980s, men have effectively been told to be less manly by culture and society, so the fact that they are on a collective level should not be terribly surprising.

2. A reminder that advice is often self-serving: it’s a person telling you either what they would do, or what they would like you to do because it helps them in some way or it’s what they want to believe.

3. One huge problem for women when it comes to dating is that they’re told to have high standards, not settle, and manifest what they want, but like, that isn’t a strategy—it’s just wanting stuff. Wanting doesn’t lead to getting, and in no other arena of life would we accept this as an effective method of achieving a goal. And yet, if you listen to female dating podcasts, they are rife with this kind of magical thinking.