Warning about falling into the girl's frame

Men speak text, women speak subtext

(2017)

I had an educational experience with Bike Girl and one of her friends, who was complaining about the way five (!?) of her ex-boyfriends had cheated on her. At first I was quiet and Bike Girl was commiserating… finally the friend wanted my view, and I asked the common question, What do all five of those guys have in common?

The obvious answer is, Her. She picked all of them. She's also a pretty girl so she can pick from a wide range of guys.

Most likely, a girl with a long history of "cheating" exes is more desperate than usual for attention from very high value guys. Those guys have lots of options, which they are only too happy to exercise. The girl eventually finds out and then whines to her girlfriends about how guys are scum, totally ignoring her own role. Most people will show you who they are.

I didn't put it exactly like that, which is too much about real social dynamics. When the friend began to fight back, I backed off some and said that it's her life and she should live it however she wants. That is something I do believe, just like I believe most people lived in a world so heavily wrapped in illusion that they can't discern the outer light.

There was no way I was going to enter this girl's frame about how men are cheating scum. It is true that most men feel the need to sleep with as many women as possible, but it's also true that anyone who consistently gets together with consistent, bold cheaters is somewhat complicit in the cheating. Five times means there is something inside the friend, not in the five exes.

After, Bike Girl asked what I thought, and I told her the truth: I think her friend is a fool and is old enough to know something of herself, men, and dating. That she doesn't, speaks to who she is, mentally and psychologically. In an inexperienced girl of 21 or 22 such ignorance would be reasonable. In a chick older than 25, one who should have the reading and experience to know better, it becomes appalling, or a sign of intellectual deficit or inability to face the interior self.

Typically I’d expect a girl to take the friend’s part, but Bike Girl seemed to respect knowledge. Being able to know things and to distribute knowledge in a way that's not off-putting is a hard balance. Given some of our experiences Bike Girl knows a lot about my dim views on monogamy… I haven't told her everything in my past, which is reserved for you lads on substack, and never will, but she gets the main point.

I am not a master PUA but I'm not a beta supplicant either, and I think Bike Girl's friend wasn't expecting someone to disagree with her girlish nonsense... or be skeptical of it. Yet disagreeing, amiably yet directly, also I think increased Bike Girl's attraction to me. So did being able to imply her friend is dumb and misguided without being crude enough to say so. People can read the sentiment beneath the words. Sometimes being direct is optimal, but sometimes being politic is.

One of my favorite books is Being Wrong. Read it! And know too that if you are not reading books you are likely much dumber than you would be if you did read regularly. This is a harsh thing to say, but it's also important and true. Almost all the really smart people I know are heavy readers. You don't have to be a heavy reader to get the girl, but if you want access to smarter girls and you want the ability to maintain a mental connection in a relationship, get reading and talk about what you're reading.

If a girl’s friends are dumb, that speaks poorly of the girl.

If you would like a discussion of frame, text, and subtext, this lecture by Fader of Love Systems is good.