Sex club culture and socializing there

I heard from a player who went to a sex club for the first time, and he found about 70 people who were decently attractive, yet "there was no one that either of us was 'wow' over (a lot of the girls were still a bit chubby for my taste) but no one was terrible looking" (his girl is very hot, which I want to state for context... I have seen pics). His experience of the attractiveness level is decently typical... there are not a lot of wow girls, like solid 8s who are 18 - 33, at sex clubs. There are some but they are just not super common in life or at publicly accessible clubs, although this depends on the venue and night, as you’d expect. If you bring an 8 and another 8 shows up, they will often gravitate to each other, as like finds like. There are not a lot of true 8s in life.

He also found that some people seemed unsure, which makes sense too, because many people who are “sure” are at private events with other people who are sure. At the clubs, some couples will appear to keep to themselves, because they don't know the social etiquette. Since most other people are scared of approaching, in that kind of environment I am often the one who is initiating, but that initiating needs to be done intelligently, not haphazardly. The standards are higher at sex events than everyday life, not lower. Yes, some venues have rules stating that women must approach, etc., but in the real world that means they want guys with decent social skills who aren't cruising. At bad events, socially r^tarded guys will just go from chick to chick, flagrantly hitting on each one and poisoning the atmosphere. We've all seen socially r^tarded guys and what they can do to a party and its vibe, assuming they don't get kicked out altogether. Think about those guys and how much worse they are at a sex club, and that is why the rules exist.

Especially if you start out talking guy to guy, you can chat with other people, because, as mentioned, many women won't initiate (players know this). If you have a girl who is bolder than typical, encourage her to talk to other girls... girls know how to compliment another girl's dress or hair or jewelry, so they can talk about that for a minute or two. Common conversation topics are whether this is their first time, how they found the club or venue, etc. Really basic openers are fine, like "I saw you two and wanted to come say hi." Even topics like whether they've fantasized about this kind of thing, etc. can work. Normal chitchat about jobs, etc. is also fine, but most people don’t want to talk about their favorite bookkeeping software at a sex party. Like with normal dates, a little bit of normal chitchat shows you're not a lunatic, while some sexual spikes/innuendoes show that you know what's up. Normal topics and sexual spikes/innuendoes are fine and should be used together. Read the other couple.

Because many people are uncomfortable, scared, and don't know the etiquette at public clubs and parties, so there can be a lot of discomfort at first. Many people who look closed off are just uncertain, so, if you can do some normal socializing, you will ease their mind... there is a popular imagination thing that anyone at a sex club is a crazed sex maniac, and you mostly want to avoid that impression. When you're chatting, you can also do some classic Mystery/Neil Strauss set merges. Talk to one couple, excuse yourself to refresh your drink, talk to another couple, and then introduce couple 1 to couple 2. I am not an expert at this as I'm not naturally the life of the party, but a lot of people will appreciate some social lubrication, even if it is a bit clumsily done (I can be a bit clumsy).

The initial phase seeds possible later switches. I'm more eager to chat with the attractive women who I'd like to see more of than with the less attractive women (if the girl you're with wants to chat with a couple, you should try to make that happen or help her make it happen). Women are often more interested in switching with someone they’ve had even one or two social interactions with, than they are with someone they have never spoken to. This maybe seems like a small thing to guys, but to a woman even one or two small social interactions can help you break the barrier between her and the outside world... one or two social interactions = this guy isn't crazy = this guy might be safe = this guy is okay to have sex with.

For women, much more than for men, sex is an intensely social act. Many more men like anonymous hookups than women. Many men will pay sex workers for anonymous sex acts, and effectively no women do the same. Even the ultra-rare older woman who pays a man usually wants that payment to be embedded in a story about her vacation or whatever.

So, at the start of the club night, the party, whatever, demonstrate that you have a little bit of social acuity, that you can make small talk, that you’re embedded in a social world and not a murderous psycho loner of the kind all women have an instinctive aversion to. Will you see some chicks have sex with a man they’ve never spoken to, once the chick gets into her sex zone? You will. Is that the most regular thing you’ll see? No. Make the smarter moves.

When things start to heat up, you can sometimes invite another couple into the separate sex space, or onto a couch, or wherever, if you like them and you want to access that kind of energy. The most common moments for explicit verbal consent are “Can I kiss you?” and “Should I get a condom?” In a swap between two couples, make sure your date, and both parts of the other couple are down. If either says “no” or some kind of ambiguous, ambivalent, pseudo-yes, back up. Collect their phone numbers or otherwise recognize that they may not yet be ready.

During the sex itself, the physical space matters... if there is a couple or a woman you're interested in, try to have sex with your girl next to them... then, if you want to trade, the physical proximity is there. Girls will often touch other girls, especially... it's also possible to see if you can touch the other girl a little, just ask first. Sometimes the other couple will say yes (cool), sometimes they will say no (also good feedback). It's common to have sex with your girl, relax for a while, and then switch with another couple for round two.

Like I said, it's a weird environment for people used to boring vanilla life who have never been to parties. Everyone knows why they're at the sex party, and everyone knows that they're going to be f**king in front of each other real soon. The atmosphere is powerfully charged in a way that can be similar to a normal date, when you and the girl know you're heading towards f**king, but it's different when it's in a group. For a lot of women, there’s a tension line between excitement and danger, and the goal is to create enough “danger” feeling to be interesting, but not so much as to kill her excitement.

I have a general point about non-monogamy relationships that work, "Couples that last put each other first." At parties, smart couples work on "putting each other first." They will be the ones checking in with each other if they need to. If they have rules, they stick to the rules. Sometimes I will ask, "What are your rules at parties?" Many couples have not adequately thought through their rules... if so, it's often better to let them sort out their problems on their own. Often the guy will be more eager to switch than the girl... sometimes the opposite happens.

If you are like me, you want to search for more upscale venues. The downscale venues will be really grim, like downscale strip clubs. Chances are that most of you have at least wandered into a downscale strip club... they are filled with guys who look like they just got on parole and haven't been in civilization in years, and strippers so busted I wouldn't even upvote them on a dating app. People who are overweight or underweight or have other problems with lifestyle. Like with everything else, different venues will have different vibes that attract different kinds of people. A long time ago that I am trying to project a kind of hipster Don Draper vibe, so I want a venue that is going to match that decently. Like I have said, if the venue is off, if the people are off, if anything else feels wrong, leave. If you are an experienced guy you should be able to tell the difference between "feels uncomfortable because I'm in a new situation" as against "feels uncomfortable because there is something f**ked up here."

I took a few minutes to re-read this and I find that it feels a little autistic, because of the paint-by-numbers, algorithmic description of socializing, but sex clubs are their own little world that don't have widely understood social rules, so maybe being super explicit is worthwhile. It took me a lot of observation to be able to understand what's really going on (the game is arguably just social hacking + escalation + looking good), and it's easy to miss what's really going on. I did, at first. Many of them also have this bullshit equalism rhetoric, which is not really true... in reality, the more attractive people are more popular, just like you'd predict, and just like the pretty girls and handsome dudes are more popular. Most chicks are not going to be into guys who they don't perceive as being at least on their level... just like the rest of the world. You can find exceptions, you can be the exception if you are charismatic and have other things going for you, but the principle is there for a reason.

I do think I've learned a lot just by trying to articulate the things I think I have learned/discovered. The process of attempting to teach and explain educates not just the reader but the writer. Downside for the writer is of course a lot of unpaid time and effort. But I had not thought about all of this until began to explain what's happening and how the game fits into the sex clubs.

If you like this post, it is now part of the free book about how to incorporate non-monogamy and sex clubs into the game. I got started writing this post because of a Twitter direct message that kept going and soon I had the key points of this post. Outsiders seem to believe that sex clubs are giant orgies with no consent and everyone uncontrollably f**king everyone, but in reality female mate choice rules and is very important.

The player also said

One observation I made of sex parties is that it is one of the few places you can’t use your phone. So socializing seems almost old fashioned. Honestly, the socializing is a lot of fun as it has an undercurrent of pending sex about it. You also are in a sorting phase where you are looking for connection with couples. I can see why parties are addictive - you can fail at finding someone ... and then they just appear out of nowhere.

Sex clubs might be becoming more popular because they are one of the few phone-free environments left... people are fully present instead of being constantly attached to their electronics... the overall experience is far superior than most "social" venues today, where 60% of the average person's attention is on their phone, leaving the social vibe dead.