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Sex skills for guys: psychology, preparation, and practice
Why's there not more talk about the specifics of sex? I have some ideas... RedCoco says,
Pickup seems pretty quiet on the topic of sex skills.
I sense that as men we set our sexual baseline energy way too low when women are craving animalistic, dominant, rough sex from us.
We as men choose vanilla.
Women want the whole gelato bar!
I have a theory that most guys aren't much getting laid and the ones who are, are not great in bed (then there are guys like Red Pill Dad (RPD), who take my advice and use a butt plug to great effect in their girls). I've been thinking about writing a "psychology of sex" essay to complement the sex-toy one (RPD also wrote me, "Dude, thank you for the vibrator tip—chicks love that and it’s so easy") ... and now you have it. RPD has been doing the stuff I now think of as basic and obvious and it's worked great for him.
There are many good resources for sex skills, She Comes First being good. There is another one called The Sex God Method which is also fine. There is another one, Slow Sex, that is good for chicks who have trouble coming. Just F*ck Me! - What Women Want Men to Know About Taking Control in the Bedroom. So there are lots of resources for guys who want to get better at f**king, but not so many for guys who want to get better at seduction and pickup, so that is where the community hammers.
There is probably one thing that I think is useful above all others... take your time. Demonstrate to her that you are not in a rush... I made this mistake many times when I was younger. Most guys are so thrilled that a decent chick is getting naked that they want to rush through foreplay and to the stage when their dick is inside her. This is very rarely the best way to be... sometimes it's necessary if you're for example in a public bathroom or a car, but if you're able, take your time. Guys warm up close to instantly, chicks warm up like an iron... slowly, but with great heat at the end. You never hear a girl say, "Oh God, it was so nice when he got inside me so fast! Wow! Next time I hope he is inside me even faster." Chicks don't say, "He came in two minutes flat, that was great." But she will often complain that he skimps foreplay, she wasn't fully aroused, she needed more kissing, she was still in her head, etc.
Part of taking your time is exploring her. I like to kiss her lightly on the mouth for a while... then, depending on how she responds, more deeply. Usually I will go from her mouth to her neck, kissing lightly along either side of her wind pipe. I'll also kiss her, also lightly and fleetingly, along her jaw, and sometimes her ears. Different women have different erogenous points that turn them on the most. A lot of teenagers "make out" by furiously attacking each other's lips, forgetting that sometimes her neck will turn her on the most. This is a good way to start her up. See how her body responds. Does her breathing change? Does she gasp or moan or undulate? If you get good responses, do more of what gives the good responses, while not only focusing on that. If she likes kisses in the hollow of her collarbone, spend some time there, but not like ten minutes... try other places too.
You want to give her time to get mentally prepared too. So that she is not anxious. You want to be nonjudgmental and make sure she knows you like her body. So many women are self-conscious about their bodies.
During that, or after it, I start undressing her. When she's topless I will often ask how sensitive she is here, while touching her nipples or breasts. A very sensitive woman demands a light touch, while a less sensitive one may like rough pinching and mauling. I work my way up a little bit slowly, testing to see her reactions. I will spank her a bit and see the reactions there. If she moans, arches, etc., she gets more spanking. If she seems neutral I'll ask if she likes that. Most chicks are down for reasonable feedback. They don't want a guy who stops every 90 seconds to check in with her, but a guy who is aware enough to see where she is, is good.
Eventually her pants come off, and I'll often lick my fingers and play with her clit/pussy while her underwear is still on. The goal is still being pretty light. If she is not that wet I will keep licking my fingers to make sure she's got good lube. Often I'll slide one arm around her neck and offer a little pressure there to see how she reacts to being choked. Or I will kiss her neck. The goal is still to gauge her reactions. If she is extremely responsive I will accelerate some, picking her up, moving her around, kicking her feet apart, etc. I'll slip her underwear off. If I am still dressed or mostly dressed my clothes go away.
From here I will sometimes go down on her, or have her go down on me, depending. If I'm not hard I touch myself or get her to blow me. Often I hold off on demanding blowjobs, because many chicks have been with uncalibrated guys who don't reciprocate properly, and I don't want her to wonder if she's going to be giving and not getting. Many chicks say that guys won't go down on them... so committing to doing this act enthusiastically is a mark setting me apart.
Then a condom goes on (if I have to use one) and I start fucking her, usually with her on her back at first. I don't like doing doggystyle to very tight girls because it can be difficult to get inside her, and that can lead to injury (one player I know hurt himself decently bad this way). Then I will move her about, etc. I will often direct her hand to her clit so she can rub herself, since most chicks don't come from internal stimulation alone.
From there the possibilities multiply, but the goal remains to connect to her and be sensitive to her feedback, even if it is subtle. Most guys are insensitive and do their thing on autopilot, without realizing how different many girls are. The best lovers are not great because of their magical moves: to a girl they are great because the man is in sync with the girl and paying attention to her, her body, and her reactions.
Many guys have learned bad habits from watching porn. Professional porn is predominantly made for a male audience and the performers's goal is to look good on camera, not do what feels the best. Many girls don't like jackhammering at all and want the man to maintain a specific tempo, depth, and rhythm to give her space and time to come. Jackhammering often hurts her and doesn't let her rise to her orgasm.
Possibilities. I might choke her. I will flip her over and do doggystyle. I will bend her over. I might put cuffs and collars on her. I might use nipple clamps, if she likes that kind of stimulation (I ask how sensitive her breasts are... very sensitive women usually don't want clamps and that kind of thing). Typically I will hold her down in various configurations, again testing for responsiveness. Some chicks don't like being choked or held down (they exist!) and I adjust if they don't like it.
Often I come much faster than I want to, the first time I am with a new chick, and if I can control myself with deep breathing and mentally being present without being overly engaged I do that. If I come too soon, I go down on her.
As I get to know a chick better, I will offer her vibrators, butt plugs, etc. I try to have some fresh, unused ones stashed. If a chick loves anal so much that she requests it, I put a butt plug in her.
Later on I will also suggest bars in bathrooms, that kind of thing. Leading into sex clubs or events.
These are some of the things I think about/do. Again, depends on chick + circumstances. If a chick is already highly aroused as we walk in the door, I might pull off her underwear, flip up her skirt, and start f**king her the minute I get hard. If the chick is slow to warm up I might spend half an hour, an hour, most of the night, or more on her and with her before I get inside her. If she's anxious, I will sometimes slow down and tell her that there is no rush, we're not going anywhere, that she has a nice body, and that she shouldn't be ashamed of her desires, and if there is anything she wants me to do, to tell me. Trying to remove shame/judgment from her mind can go a really long way with a lot of chicks. Sexually healthy and sex-positive chicks won't need this as much but there are too few of those women out there. Many internalize social and societal shame around sexual expression and they carry this shame into the bedroom. The psychological skills can be as important as the physical ones. For guys the psychology is pretty simple, "Hot chick ---> good ---> put it in her ----> good ----> come in her ---> good." For women it can be much more complex, and a lot of women internalize negative ideas about sex and sexuality.
There are probably some things I've forgotten. Big things are 1. take time. 2. gauge reaction. 3. express assertiveness/dominance, but not in a dictatorial way. Very few women want a guy who isn't at least assertive, but they also want a guy who "gets" what they need/want/desire, and who doesn't make them feel bad about their desires. Oh yeah and 4. practice. With anything you do you can ask yourself when you're done what went well, what didn't go so well, and what you should try differently next time.
Porn is really the only public sex material we have to compare notes (and some of that is exaggerated/false behavior).
Sex parties are mostly secret so again we are unable to compare notes.
We trade notes on Red Pill/seduction, so why not sex skills?
Professional porn is usually terrible and impractical sex education... most of the thing is done for cameras, using angles that are good for the camera... most of the chicks are NOT enjoying themselves, and it's obvious to anyone who has been with real women (some exceptions exist, clearly). Or if she is enjoying herself, she had a lot more warmup that occurred off-camera. Amateur porn usually doesn't show the nuance of what is happening... what feels good is often not cinematic. Guys who rely on porn for sex education... are often going to be disappointed, or the girl is going to be disappointed.
I also don't always include sex stuff in my (fairly rare) field reports because often we do one to four positions, they're all good, and when we're done we're done. The specifics of the position are less important than the changes. Quality depends on the girl, how turned on I am, how able I am to hold back (sometimes very well, sometimes less well). Sometimes I'm nervous and don't get hard right away. I'm pretty good about this... if I don't get hard when I want to, I try and relax and enjoy the situation. The more you worry, the worse the situation is. Being in a "flow" state is conducive to good sex, and being anxious is the opposite. There is a mental-physical link.
I think a lot of guys online are worried about BEING ALPHA and don't want to admit vulnerability or poor performance, and simultaneously don't want to be braggarts about high performance. Having had very high highs and very low lows, I can relate. Realistically, most of the time the best sex is not had in the first outing or even the third or fourth outing. Usually is takes five or more times to get sufficiently comfortable with each other to get to the best sex.
When I fuck a chick and write about it, I write specifically about the sex as there is a void in Lay Reports.
Usually the line is “one thing led to another and ... the rest is history”. What is this: Mamma Mia the Musical?!
Give me some substance, man!
There are also a lot of paper alphas who say things like, "REAL MEN don't go down on chicks." For the vast majority of chicks, this is tremendously stupid advice, as most chicks cannot come from penetration alone, even when the penetration is prolonged or done well. If you (or her, or a vibrator) are not stroking her clit, she is very unlikely to come (and thus to bond to you). You usually need your hand, your tongue, her hand, or a vibrator on the external parts of her clitoris for her to orgasm. Some percentage of chicks can orgasm from internal stimulation alone (Short Dancer is one), but you should assume otherwise until you know for sure. Some chicks will also have blended orgasms, with their g-spots and external clit bulbs both contributing. Clitoris shape and sensation are also very variable, leading to variations in how chick prefer sex or are most stimulated by it.
Some chicks come with the ease of ordering a coffee, while other chicks find it very, very difficult to come. Paradoxically, the best way to let her come is to NOT put pressure on her to come. So I don't do that. Outside of the moment, if she is an inexperienced girl or doesn't seem to be climaxing, I will often ask her what she likes or fantasizes about. Most chicks are conditioned to be sex negative and to hide their desires, so this question doesn't always elicit answers at first. As with most things around chicks and sex, it's good not to try to force her to answer at first, but to leave the door open. A lot of chicks are kind of like cats: they'll come around if you leave the space open for them.
I will often ask, when I can't tell if the girl is still enjoying the sexual things I'm doing to her/with her, "Can I keep going?" I want the girl to have a full and complete experience but also not to over-stimulate her or to go past the point of discomfort. Imagine how unhappy you'd be if a chick tried to keep blowing you after you've finished. Pretty bad, right?
Think of it as directed exploration... go more slowly than you think you need to... be firm but not rigid.
There's not a single checklist you can follow, but usually you can tell from some aspects of her breathing, moaning, and body undulations where she is.
Going down on a chick before I get inside her lets me know that she's aroused, that she can accept two fingers inside her, and that she is wet. If she is not wet, I'll often kiss/lick her labia (majora and minora) in addition to putting my wet fingers inside her.
If you're having trouble entering, spit a little bit into your hand and rub the top of your penis, or the head of the condom: a little lubrication will ease entry. There's a reason smart girls who need lube, have lube around. You should also have some lube around your place... some chicks genuinely need it and, if they do, you should stop and say "Let me get some lube." Hormonal birth control will dry up some chicks. If she stops you, don't get it, but most of the time she knows what she needs too. The exception is virgins or girls with little experience... I used to f**k some of those but have not in the last couple years.
Chicks seem to have more variation in preference than guys do. Some chicks find coming very hard, maybe impossible, and some can come once and then need to recover (like dudes) and some chicks can come like 10 or more times in a row. What you will do will depend on the chick. F**king her is like exploring a new space.
"Dominant" is usually good, but you can easily slip into "too dominant" and turn her off if you're not paying attention to her body's signs and signals. You're the guy, so you should be directive and experimental, but you should also pay attention to her. Some chicks go crazy for being kissed on the neck.
Notice that RedCoco says wisely, "Women want the whole gelato bar!" Rough, dominant sex is good... so is more tender, caring sex... often in the same session. It's also usually a good idea to work the chick up. If you've just gotten your clothes off, you generally don't want to start jackhammering her and choking her right away (sometimes not at all, depending on the chick). So focus on getting her the whole gelato bar... not vanilla alone... but also not solely weird praline in bourbon fennel or whatever hipster gelato shops serve now.
"Aftercare" is a thing you can search for... if you've had rough, dominant sex, she almost certainly needs to be held and cuddled. She almost always needs that... for most chicks, if there is not holding/cuddling at the end, it ruins the experience for her. She needs to "come down" from the intense sexual experience and needs your guidance to do so. Without it, she will not bond properly and may feel cheap/used/weird. With it, she will feel bonded and happy. Many guys, maybe most, are happy to get off, roll over, and go to sleep. Most chicks aren't like that and need more.
There's often a lot of subtlety to f**king well, but not a lot of frequent real-life discussion on how to do it... that's why there are the books.
There is a lot of data here... you won't remember all of it in the moment, if you are not an experienced guy... and you don't need to. The top ideas, "Take your time" and "pay attention to her reactions" are the real important things. If you can do that you will probably have at least decent sex with her. Dominance and that sort of thing is a very good idea, as long as it is done well... which it is often NOT. There is give and take... you are "giving" her the dominant experience and you are also "taking" the sexual experience and pleasure... she is also "giving" you the submissive experience and taking her own kind of sexual pleasure. Even within dom/sub there is give/take. Sexuality thrives on polarity... this is also why lifting is important... most chicks thrive on knowing the guy is bigger/stronger than she is. I remember one time the girl I call Short Dancer was mock-fleeing from me on the bed... I grabbed her by her ankles and dragged her where I wanted her to be... she squeaked (cute) and said, "I forgot how strong you are!" Not going to lie, I liked hearing that.
Also not going to lie, that was after one of the interregnums in our experience together, and I did NOT like thinking that she'd probably f**ked another guy for whom that was not true. But she was naked in front of me, so I wished to focus on that.
Apparently I am stronger than I look or seem, which is kind of a neg but one I have heard in enough contexts to believe it's true.
I'm more of a talker now than I used to be... more often saying things like, "Tell me if this becomes too intense," that sort of thing. I think the release valve is important... she needs to know that she can get off the ride if she needs to.
I think most guys don't give a f**k about improving... I see how many people order a book from an Amazon link within 24 hours of clicking the link (but not who you are, don't worry), and like 100 or 150 people will click the link and 0 or 1 will buy it. Most guys aren't good and aren't doing what they need to to get better... even guys hanging out in Redpill or seduction boards. Feels like kind of a waste to bother.
There are probably things I'm forgetting... the books are there... ideally the conversation will happen in blogs... I think most guys, once they achieve being good, forget about what the journey is like... and most guys are never good so it doesn't matter. Most guys need to be "okay" so they can hold it down with their one girlfriend or wife, who tolerates them or kind of enjoys it. That's pretty sad to think about it, but it also seems to be reality for most people/couples.
With the books about sex, I think the information is out there, but most guys don't access it... because they don't really need to and are not getting laid very much. The need is lower than forum posters would make you think.
A lot of general sex advice is also fine... it's all there in the books already, and some of it is now in the videos. It's sex, not general AI. One tricky thing is balancing dominance, reading the girl's reactions, and incorporating feedback.
The book The Secret To Our Success is all about culture learning and how we learn from each other... the sex club world has a lot of that! Plus the competition aspect where you want to be better than the other guy. It's very hard, maybe impossible, to be the very best without some good feedback... I won't say coaching exactly, but something like it. You need to be experimental but also learn from other people, and learn the diversity of what chicks like.
With sex, I notice that the more I'm into the girl, the more she's into me, and we get a positive feedback circuit. If I'm not really into the girl and that circuit isn't active, it fizzles.
If you have gotten this far you should also read "BDSM dates & sex skills & online dating." There's some overlap with the above but the emphasis differs. Nash also has some psychological ideas, "GOOD SEX is a BYPRODUCT of other things. It’s not really technique. The technique is the easy part. It’s the obvious part." I'm not convinced the technique is easy, given how long it took me to get good, but I like the thrust.
There is no single set of steps, just a bunch of principles I apply with each woman.
Please leave feedback and tip of your own in the comments. Maybe we will get more and more direct bedroom talk in the community instead of "the rest is history." If you have ever heard chicks talk about sex with their friends, you know that chicks share it all. The good, the bad, the weird. Guys are reticent.