Moving on from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and dysfunction

Choosing real community over the seduction arts

This is a guest post by Renaissance Bachelor. He has a Substack, too.

The impetus for Red Quest’s invitation to write came from a comment I made in this post; I wrote:

As adults, we seek out the dysfunction we’re raised with because it feels normal. I was raised by a BPD mother so I married a BPD woman.  I felt abandoned as a kid so I got into relationships where I feared being abandoned.  Conventional talk therapy helped me confront these shadows within - it was hard, it sucked, had my dark night of the soul.  I was fortunate to find the right therapist; a bachelor in his forty’s who kept gently pushing me out of my dysfunctional comfort zone.  Yoylo’s suggested course of action can definitely work as well; find what works for you.

You dodged a bullet and I’m both happy and relieved for you.  Reading this two-part blog made me uncomfortable as it took me back to where I’ve been.

You’ve found your shadow, you’re half way to healing.

That two-part story is a harrowing tale of becoming involved with a woman who is likely Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). According to this article hosted by the Cleveland Clinic, BPD is a “mental health condition marked by extreme mood fluctuations, instability in interpersonal relationships and impulsivity.” Disagreements, rejections and separations can bring out the worst in these people.  People with BPD tend to score low on cognitive empathy but high on emotional empathy, which translates to not being aware of other people’s feelings but very aware of their own.

The key part of my comment is: “As adults, we seek out the dysfunction we’re raised with because it feels normal. I was raised by a BPD mother so I married a BPD woman.  I felt abandoned as a kid so I got into relationships where I feared being abandoned.” Everything about dating in my early 20s, including whom I chose to marry, was a series of bad choices driven by wanting to feel that fear of being abandoned. Post divorce I found the above realization to be both depressing and slightly terrifying because I saw that, unless I took steps to heal my childhood wounds, I was doomed to repeat the same mistakes. My “picker” was broken.

The wounds I carried cut deeply into my soul and required an effort to uncover let alone address. I had to confront my shadow in the Jungian sense and uncover the deep parts of my mind that I was hiding and repressing.  My shadow was where I stored the strong emotions I felt as a child and didn’t then know how to process. Those strong emotions that made me feel at home around dysfunction, around chaos, that fear of abandonment. Those strong emotions I feared to address. As Jung said: “Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.”  I was in denial for most of my adult life that I even had a shadow. That lack of embodiment was my blind spot that led to choices and decisions about relationships and women that were unhealthy and self-destructive.  How many guys involved in this community unknowingly carry similar wounds?

I wouldn’t say I’ve conquered my shadow; it’s more accurate to say I’ve made friends with and accepted it.  It’s as much a part of me as my light side.  And because I’ve made friends with it, it no longer comes out sideways and sabotages the present. In terms of dealing with BPD women, that means I literally feel them before I know them.  Not only am I no longer drawn to them, I am repulsed by them. During the last 18 months my intuition, which I’ve learned to trust, told me to drop three women; better safe than sorry.

Shadow work sucks, no two-ways about it.  For me it was worth it, and the payoff has been personal freedom on a level I never would have attained without putting in the work.

How did I accomplish this?  As I said in the original comment:

Conventional talk therapy helped me confront these shadows within - it was hard, it sucked, had my dark night of the soul.  I was fortunate to find the right therapist; a bachelor in his forty’s who kept gently pushing me out of my dysfunctional comfort zone.

I journaled and continue to do so.  I sat down with my journal and an emotion wheel and dove into those repressed feelings that I was frightened to acknowledge.

I joined men’s groups where I could talk about those things from childhood that triggered feelings of shame and see there was nothing to be ashamed of.

And I made close male friends who have my back as much as I have theirs’.

BPD women are exciting!  It’s easy to feel good about yourself when you’re getting love-bombed and plenty of sex.  It takes a strong, healthy frame to resist their siren-song. If you can recognize crazy/BPD women when you meet them, maintain a healthy boundary and not become enmeshed, then you probably don’t need to go through what I went through.

I date a lot, like to keep it fun and light, and have spent time with some pretty cool women.  And that is because I recognize healthy and stable behavior; I’m wary of love-bombing early on, I test for emotional intelligence and empathy, I look for signs of instability.  I’m most likely older than most of you and am at a point in my life where I value peace and tranquility a great deal.  I’m very intentional about the women I allow to enter my life, even for the short-term.

As Nietzsche said: “the real man wants two different things: danger and play. Therefore he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.” BPD women can feel like the pinnacle of dangerous playthings. Tread carefully. Sirenum scopuli is littered with the bones of the dead sailors who heeded the sirens’ calls.

How did I get the the point in my life that I’ve been through experiences with these kind of women?  If you’re curious, you can follow this link to my Substack About page where you can learn about me and my vision for my blog.  Hit the subscribe button to stay up to date.  Obviously, I’m new in this space after years of lurking, reading, experimenting, failing and triumphing.  Red Quest encourages men to start their own blog and I intend to do so.

Finally, a caveat.  I’m neither a mental health professional nor an expert in any of the subjects contained herein. I’m not providing diagnosis nor treatment.  We’re all personally responsible for our own mental health.  Seek professional counsel if you feel any of what I’ve said rings true for you.  I did.

I want to thank Red Quest for giving me the opportunity to write this guest post.  I have been a long-time reader, consumer and practitioner of his content; he has helped me think, experiment and change the way I approach women and dating.

Peace, Freedom and Progress.