Intense experiences in bed during sex: BDSM & analogues

People want primal, immediate, physical experiences, yet much of the modern world is set up to deny exactly that. As the modern world becomes more cerebral, disconnected, abstract, and disembodied, we want to get the opposite. There is nothing like the immediacy of fucking or fighting to bring out the intense and immediate. BDSM is now commonplace because women want it to be commonplace… chicks are the primary readers of 50 Shades of Grey, a book I tried to read but it was too bad to get past the first few pages… chicks are also the primary readers of its predecessor novel, 9 and 1/2 weeks. Someone like Aella can write, "Forceful sex is a primal way of taking away the stress of choosing a sufficiently high status mate – that I am not admitting anything about my sense of sexual self worth by having sex with his person." And the "forceful" aspect increases the intensity of the experience, in a world where intense physical experiences are too rare. We evolved to have them, not to stare into a glass box ten hours a day. Psychedelics are becoming more popular because they also create immediacy and the feeling of immediacy.

I didn't fully get this when I was younger, but when I was younger the world also hadn't digitized to the extent it has now, so I didn't need to. Today, guys have to learn to reject the smartphone way and accept the real-world way, and that's especially true in bed. The best sexual experiences almost always happen when at least one person, and ideally both, "forget" everything else, forget themselves, and there's only the other person and the sensation the other person generates in this world. BDSM is one way to achieve that, particularly for women, which is why the first link in this post goes to one about BDSM and how to achieve it. Too much "Do you like this?" and "Is this okay?" talk turns most chicks off, because they don't want legalistic bullshit and posturing, they want a guy who "just gets it" and can read their signals. The downside of this common desire in chicks, however, is the risk for the guy that the chick will regret what she does and then make the typical accusations that we commonly see today. Unfortunately, if the guy can't read her signals and generate powerful, primal experiences, she's not going to like him (or sex with him) that much. I don't see a solution to this dilemma apart from both dudes and chicks being consistently reasonable… ha, good luck with that.

I'm not denying that the abstract world of the mind is important. If I didn't think it is, I would not be writing here, reading books, or doing the work I do. But there's a lot of need for balance and the world is strongly imbalanced towards the abstract and cerebral right now. People deny their real physical tangible existence and suffer for it. Normal women love flirting in the real world, for example, but many guys and chicks are becoming the sorts of autists who can't flirt. Solution? Online dating and paying for online dating, but that has all the problems that everyone today is aware of. One problem many modern guys have is that chicks will respond on chat apps or social media but never get together in real life, because the chicks suffer from the paradox of choice and moreover have forgotten how to exist in the real world.

Some guys are responding to this excess focus on the intellectual world by lifting weights, rock climbing, practicing bdsm, learning jiu-jitsu, or taking psychedelics (or MDMA).

We live in an instant gratification society. Most people want the digital instant gratification. But that is not how the real world works, especially the sexual real world, where chicks usually want more time to see the guy and get comfortable with the guy. Most good real-world things come from slowly building work efforts. Yes, it's true that there are a small number of guys who get lots of good things handed to them by genetics and their families. Fine, whatever. For most guys, it's all about the work you put in, every day. You only see the tip of the spear, one of the more important things I've ever written.

BDSM on average becomes more important as people spent more time on their screens and less time in reality. She doesn't actually want to spend all the time on Instagram, she doesn't know better. Are you going to help her become the person she really truly wants to be? If you are, that's going to set you apart from the normal guy. Most guys are too busy playing video games to be that guy.

I was in my early 20s the first time a woman took my hands and put them around her neck. It shocked me. I didn't know what I was doing. I think Google was around at that time but I didn't think to search, "How do I choke a woman in bed safely?" I wrote her off as a one-off with unusual desires, not realizing that she's closer to the norm than young red quest could imagine. I didn't realize that many women, if not the majority, like being spanked and sometimes hit other ways in bed. I didn't put a butt plug in a woman until I was in my 30s. I didn't realize how those practices, done carefully and in a controlled enough way, activate the primal, immediate parts of the brain and shut off the chattering, doubting voice in the mind. Now that information, these kinds of stories, are out there, but most guys choose not to access them, choose not to stare at the darkness, the Apollonian world of the media pretending the Dionysian desires aren't there. Dionysus asserts himself Saturday night, while Monday morning the woman wants to pretend Apollo rules, regrets what happened Saturday night in some cases, but, in many others, she loves those feelings, loves the man who can elicit them, when most men can't. If you are reading this, you are reading a work about how not to be most men.